Writing a story down is hard, but it’s only half the battle. After drafting comes editing, which is a whole skill on its own. I can’t tell you everything I know about editing, let alone all that could be known. What I can do, instead, is exhibit a bit of my editing process. To that end I’ve pulled the first little bit from an earlier draft of my published novel, Why Ought I to Die?, one draft before publishing I think, and I’ll be editing it as I would today (the result will be different from what is in the published version not just because I’ve refined my craft more in the succeeding years but because that’s just how editing works- same person, same material, different time, different results).

Without further ado….

Original:

[Penny’s eyes flashed from Jamie’s scarlet dagger, to his face, then, with an effort of will, to his chest, watching (1) for movement. The dagger had not been scarlet a few moments ago, before it dipped into Penny’s ribs. Now the blood rolled off its steel, drip-drip into the water, to curl like a red smoke-snake in the stream before rushing past the stone teeth, over the edge, to the whirlpool below their feet.]

Edits:

1. I want to emphasize that this is a suspended moment between moves- and that it will come to an end. It pushes the reader a little further into Penny’s headspace as he anticipates the brawl.

Result:

[Penny’s eyes flashed from Jamie’s scarlet dagger to his face, then, with an effort of will, to his chest, waiting for movement. The dagger had not been scarlet a few moments ago, before it dipped into Penny’s ribs. Now the blood rolled off its steel, drip-drip into the water, to curl like a red smoke-snake in the stream before rushing past the stone teeth, over the edge, to the whirlpool below their feet.]

Original:

[“Can we settle this peaceably?” Penny asked, then fearing to admit weakness (1), “Like men.”

“Coward.” Jamie’s grin ground (2) between his teeth as he charged, knife slashing across Penny’s body, aimed at his throat (3). Penny’s hand slammed into Jamie’s arm, knocking the blow done (4) so it screeched (5) across his armor, his momentary grip lost in the blur of melee (6). Penny (7.1) lunged forward, wrapping his armsaround Jamie in a desperate bid to trap the knife away from his flesh, catching him in a bear hug (7.2)(8).]

Edits:

1. The edited version not only fixes the misplaced modifier (‘then’ in the original seems to imply that ‘fearing’ is his state during asking, not an afterthought to the asking), but it allows the reader to draw the implication on Penny’s desires, rather than spoon-feeding.
2. ‘Gritted’ is faster to process- no momentary confusion with the noun ‘ground’, as well as being, I think, a little more sensory.
3. The replacement is more active, less impersonal, an intention rather than a destination.
4. Typo! These happen. Check thoroughly or get somebody to do it for you (who can do it well). You will miss a few.
5. Varying sentence length and structure is generally better than not, unless you have a specific reason to want to repeat a certain structure or length (a specific sought effect).
6. This sentence is modified for a few reasons:
   1. Greater clarity and compactness.
   1. Less technical language- not everybody knows what a ‘bear hug’ is (and besides, Penny’s execution is sloppy, too high for standard).
   1. No redundancy- ‘wrapping his arms around Jamie’ and ‘catching him in a bear hug’ mean precisely the same thing, just with different vocabulary.
   1. More clarity vis a vis the knife- how his position matters is clarified
7. This sentence is added to keep the threat of the knife in the reader’s mind.

Result:

“Can we settle this peaceably?” Penny asked, but it sounded weak. “Like men.”

“Coward.” Jamie’s grin gritted between his teeth as he charged, knife slashing across Penny’s body, reaching for his throat. Penny’s hand slammed into Jamie’s arm, knocking the blow down, letting it screech across his armor. He was too close for a disarm. Instead, he lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Jamie’s ribs and squeezing, holding the knife down, away from his vitals. The blade scraped against his side but had no leverage to hurt.

Original:

[Jamie began wriggling his free hand out of Penny’s constricting hold, moving it towards the more securely caught fist which held the knife (1), and Penny reacted with instinctual fervor (2), lifting one knee and swinging it in on Jamie’s ribs (3). All this got him was a grunt, but still Jamie’s hand was looser than before, and now Penny had a second or two only (4)(5).]

Edits:

1. The new structure starts with active wording (struggle), explains the situation clearly and concisely (convulsive but uneven), and ends with the punch of the moment (crept towards the knife). The previous version is a little unfocused by comparison, besides having the redundancy of describing a ‘hold’ as ‘constricting’.
2. Same idea, fewer words, less waste (‘fervor’ adds too little to be worth the space).
3. ‘Clinging’ adds a dimension of desperation which benefits the text, as does ‘jammed’. They are also more visceral than ‘swinging’. I also changed ‘ribs’ to ‘side’ because it better fits the geometry of the fight- Penny’s landing that blow below Jamie’s ribs, not on them. ‘Jammed’ also helps communicate the sense of abortive, insufficient force.
4. How does he know Jamie’s hand is looser? It seemed a little more than the blow would warrant, and Penny has no direct feedback, barring he’s looking at Jamie’s hand (awkward given their positioning). The new version is sharper, shorter, and more focused on Penny’s desperation, without the awkwardness of ‘a second or two only’.
5. The added final sentence punctuates and confirms the difficulty of the situation.

Results:

Jamie struggled; Penny’s hold on him was convulsive but uneven, and Jamie’s empty hand crept towards the knife. Penny reacted on instinct, clinging to Jamie as he lifted his knee and jammed it into Jamie’s side. All this got him was a grunt, and Penny didn’t think he could hold Jamie much longer. Already his grip was slacking.

Original:

Penny couldn’t see anything else to do, and he had neither weapon nor the will to use it (1), so he hooked one foot behind Jamie’s, feeling the rush of eager, lucid waters past their legs, and jerked inward, back, toppling them into the current. The water licked with rough, regardless haste at both their faces as it splashed, and Jamie had let go of the knife.

Edits:

1. I actually like this paragraph, so instead of an edit, have a bit of commentary. This particular phrase, though I considered changing it for something less allusive, is kept because it serves to ask a question about Penny, to ask why it means that he doesn’t have the will to use it, why he doesn’t. That’ll be important throughout the story.

As this paragraph illustrates, sometimes a draft that’s imperfect as a whole has some bits in it that don’t need changing (or which you, as I am here, are possibly not skillful enough to see the need of changing). Don’t feel you need to change something just because you haven’t made a recent emendation.

Results (Unchanged):

Penny couldn’t see anything else to do, and he had neither weapon nor the will to use it, so he hooked one foot behind Jamie’s, feeling the rush of eager, lucid waters past their legs, and jerked inward, back, toppling them into the current. The water licked with rough, regardless haste at both their faces as it splashed, and Jamie had let go of the knife.

Original:

Penny rolled, his hands scraping along the rock of the shelf they wrestled on (1), but he paid it no mind as he grabbed at the knife where it lay (2), still, scarlet curling off it, three feet off at the pool’s bottom (3). Jamie moved just a moment later (4).

New Version:

Penny rolled, his hands scraping against the rock below them as he threw himself towards the knife. He had no time, just three feet of distance and scarlet curling off of the knife’s edge and Jamie a moment behind him.

Edits:

1. This version minimizes extraneous elements, streamlining the geography.
2. Obviously he’s going for the knife ‘where it lays’ because that’s where the knife is. Further, ‘threw himself’ is a much more vivid idea that ‘grabbed at’, as well as being more accurate to the intent.
3. This gets rid of the slightly ambiguous ‘still,’ and it communicates the urgency better. It communicates the striking image of the knife as a sort of mid-action snapshot.
4. The polysyndeton (over use of ‘and’) pulls the sensation of the sentence tight, creating a sharp, rapid concatenation. It also pulls the Jamie element into line with the rest, removing the pause of a sentence break.
   1. The three elements on the list are all different in character- if two were alike and one different, it’d be a problem, but as it is they read as breathless, not confusing.

Original:

The (1) sudden scuffle of splashing water, elbows cracking on armor, and water- choked gasps ended with the knife (2) in Penny’s hand. His finger bled, true, but he had the knife.

Jamie now (3) stood (4) at the edge of the waterfall, just in front of the picturesque, irregular teeth of their half-moon battlefield, panting (5).

Penny looked down at himself with a smile, his eyes flickering across the growing red smear on his side where the knife had found its way around his breastplate (6). (7)

“I just want to escape,” Penny (8) said, settling into the familiar firmness of fighting stance, (9) knife gripped in his rear hand. (9) “I just want to leave this (10) island.” He looked at Jamie for a moment longer, then sighed. “I’m not going to kill you, man.”

Results:

They landed on it at almost the same moment, a sudden scuffle of splashing water, elbows cracking on armor, and water-choked gasps. Then the knife was in Penny’s hand. His finger bled, true, but he had the knife, and Jamie stood panting at the edge of the waterfall. Behind him, past their platform’s jagged stone teeth, the world fell, down, down, down, and the whirlpool roared in welcome.

Penny looked down at himself with a smile; he couldn’t tell quite where the red smear on his side originated from, but he couldn’t feel it either, so it didn’t matter. He looked back up. “I just want to escape,” he said, settling into the familiar firmness of fighting stance, southpaw, knife gripped in his rear hand, blade down. “I just want to leave the island.” He looked at Jamie for a moment longer, then sighed. “I’m not going to kill you, man.”

Edits:

1. This transitions the more detailed action of the previous paragraph into the summarized, affective action of this one.
2. The clause added by (1) means this segment needs to be in its own part. This also prevents the action feeling like a stated summary, the subject of ‘ended’, by turning it into a breathless periodic element to the start of the fight. The separation of the fight’s end from its beginning further emphasizes Penny’s lack of precise memory of how the fight ran, how he got to this point.
3. This contrasts the knife’s position to Jamie’s to Penny’s, setting them in relationship in the reader; these three facts are of course the most important facts in the fight.
4. ‘Panting’ is moved here both because it flows better and because it puts the most important fact of the sentence, Jamie’s position, in a place of emphasis, at the end, while slipping in the important detail of Jamie’s exhaustion (implying again the length of the preceding fight, which, in contrast to previous drafts, is not written out in the narrative).
5. Additional sensory details- the vertiginous drop, the whirlpool- are added here in a pause (a momentary equilibrium, a tension-building silence) in the fight. The drop and the teeth in particular will be important later, which is part of why they need to be emphasized through sense-language.
6. Unnecessary details are excised to focus on Penny’s mindset, his fight-focus, his numbness (whether adrenaline or exhaustion is left to the reader), and his lack of care.
7. The new sentence is added to bridge into the dialogue and clarify his body position relative to Jamie.
8. In part due to collapsing this paragraph into the previous (they had no need to be separate, and the collapse allows this edit), Penny’s name is unnecessary- the pronoun is enough, keeping attention on the dialogue and the description, not the dialogue tag.
9. These two edits make sure the knife is in a sensical place relative to Penny’s face. The change from a comma to a period, on the other hand, is grammar.
10. ‘This’ seems slightly over-formal- he has no need to emphasize which island he means; Jamie and he both know there’s only one island that’s relevant to the situation and the sentence.

That’s All….

For today. All that’s left to note is that the new version (see below) is 515 words; the original is 459 words, 46 words shorter. Shorter is often better, but clear and sharp and smooth outweighs short.

Are you interested in the story in full? Check here and see what I actually ended up publishing for this scene.

God bless